![]() Her alcohol-addicted husband worked long hours, and when home he remained locked in his den watching television, sipping booze. He came to recognize her chief aim was to isolate him-a classic abuse technique-so he might become a surrogate “friend” and stop trying to have his own life. When he grew older and entered therapy, the son fiercely resented his mother’s behavior (while struggling with guilt over “hating” her) and refused to comply with her demands that he write and call her regularly. This awful behavior had the desired effect: the friends he wanted were told by their parents to stay away from him, and he grew up with insecurity issues that led to drug addiction. The way she “protected” him was to gossip behind his back to teachers and his friends’ parents about what a untrustworthy and generally nasty kid he was, going so far as to whisper in the ear of the local pastor to keep an eye on her “wayward” son. This brings to mind a person I worked with many years ago whose mother actively intervened (starting in elementary school) to ruin her son’s friendships with others because she felt no one was “good” or “pure” enough. Otherwise, your psychological agency is in danger of becoming fractured, dissociated, or radically undermined. It is vital to acknowledge your emotional authenticity and experience, however painful or awkward. It’s possible-through therapy and other avenues- to simultaneously heal wounds of the past and set boundaries with toxic others. The terms are yours to define, and she needs to respect them, even if it means no contact.Įmotional experience is subtle and complex. Whatever your mother’s reasons for wanting to connect with you, she cannot reasonably expect to set the terms of any relationship with you. Setting a boundary, as you have, is reasonable and may in fact be the safest way forward. Furthermore, an ongoing lack of recognition of abuse or neglect indicates the toxicity persists. In some cases, we may be unable to forgive until there has been some parental or caregiver recognition of the abuse and suffering inflicted upon us. Whenever I’ve talked with people about some of their overwhelmingly toxic parents (yours appear to fit in that category, I’m afraid), I’ve had cause to doubt this maxim profoundly. You mention reading about how it’s “healthy” forgive one’s parents, let go of the past, etc. In some ways, the blaming and emotional abuse you experienced may be even more impactful than the physical abuse scars that remain invisible often take the longest to acknowledge and heal. I’m sorry to hear about what sounds like an awful childhood. I don’t know what to do with that except what I’ve always done: nothing. And what’s worse is I hate that I hate my parents, which makes me hate myself. Article after article says it’s “unhealthy” to hate and that it’s “healthy” to forgive. I don’t want to be my parents’ son anymore. ![]() I had the worst childhood you can imagine. I’m not one of those people who thinks just because you accidentally got pregnant and had a kid, your kid owes you something. I don’t know why she’s suddenly interested in my life, but I don’t care. She said she thinks I should forgive them and doesn’t understand why I won’t talk to her. She’s called me twice since, leaving messages saying she hopes I’m happy. I am 27 now, and until last week I had not talked to either of my parents in years. How to Send Appointment Reminders that Work. ![]()
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